


How We Used To Be

by quaydestiny



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Phanfiction, Romance, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 11:16:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9069196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quaydestiny/pseuds/quaydestiny
Summary: Dan and Phil were in love, they were so disgustingly in love in 2009. But alas people fall out of love (aka the Valentines Day video was unprivated) and people choose to remain friends. Phil's been trying to be patient, to wait for Dan to come to his senses and realize that it doesn't matter what the stupid internet thinks. But in the end he can't wait forever, he's almost thirty after all and it's time for him to move on with his life and to move out of the flat.





	1. Home at Last

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Phanfiction attempt and I'm relatively new to the Phandom so sorry if I get some things (everything) wrong. Keep in mind that this is a work of fiction. I do not claim that anything I write has any truth to it. I also I don't own Dan and Phil, this is all just for fun. Sorry if this is shit.

Thirty seconds. They’d been home thirty seconds and Dan had already found his way into the sofa crease. His suitcase had been thrown haphazardly in the entrance way, shoes and jumper dumped on the floor on the way into the lounge. He really must have been exhausted, as normally Dan would yell at him for making a mess. Phil wanted to tell him as much, but alas he refrained, he didn’t want to disturb Dan’s reunion with the sofa.

Phil took his suitcase to his room, opened the door and smiled. Happy that two months ago, Past Phil decided to clean it so this Phil could come home to a nice tidy room. He plopped the suitcase on his bed and pulled out his cookie monster pajamas. His back hurt something awful, but a transatlantic flight tended to have that effect. It wasn’t because he was almost thirty of course.  
He made popcorn and sat on the couch next to Dan, who was engrossed in his laptop. Dan reached out a hand, without once looking at Phil, grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved in his mouth. The room looked the nearly same as it had before they’d left. Though it was colder, and dustier…vacant. It was amazing how quickly a flat could lose its homey vibe – could lose the appearance of being lived in.

They finished the popcorn without uttering a single word to one another, then Dan closed his laptop and looked over at Phil. “Christ, there is nothing on Tumblr I have yet to see three times already. All I wanted was an escape into fandoms, but I’ve seen it all.” He sighed. “Do you want to watch an anime?”

Their first words shared in this flat since they left and Phil knew he had to tell him. Knew he’d been putting it off for weeks, months actually, no, over a year now. Since before the tour started. Worried that it would interfere with rehearsal, then worried it would affect their performances. Worried it would stress Dan out with them being in such close quarters on the bus and everything. But Phil couldn’t keep this up, Dan had to know, he deserved to know. 

Phil’s heart was beating very quickly, and he was all too aware of his breathing. Trying to keep it normal, trying to not let on that anything was wrong. He could do this, he could tell Dan anything.

“Phil?” Dan said, snapping his fingers in front of his friend’s face. “I asked if you’d like to watch an anime.” 

Phil cleared his throat. “Yeah, okay. An anime sounds good.” 

Dan gave him a strange look but put on the new episode of Yuri on Ice all the same. Phil, however, couldn’t pay attention. He was too busy thinking about how he had to tell Dan, he had to. Phil was ready, Phil had put this off long enough already. The episode ended and Phil hadn’t made sense of a single second of it, he didn’t care. 

“Dan,”

The man in question was curled up in a blanket, his knees tucked into his chest, chin resting atop them. He looked so small, despite his rather alarming height, so vulnerable. “I wanted, I mean don’t you think…” Dan waited, brows raised more by the second. Phil’s heartbeat thudded in his ears. “I’m glad we’re home.” He said and mentally kicked himself. Coward, Phil Lester you are a freaking coward.

Dan smiled, his dimple appearing for an instant. “Me too. I bet I’ll miss the tour eventually, but I’m really excited to sleep in my own bed. Speaking of which –” Then he got up, stretched his arms up over his head (Phil did not look to see if he could glimpse his stomach). “I’m off to bed. Goodnight Phil.”  
Then he left and Phil could only call “Goodnight!” after him, and promise that tomorrow, tomorrow he’d tell him.

***

Dan awoke before Phil did. This wasn’t a surprise as Phil had been up half the night stressing. Then rehearsing what it was he was going to say to Dan, then stressing again. He felt like complete shit and upon looking in the mirror, yep, he also looked like complete shit. Well, today wasn’t the day to be worried about that. 

Phil came into the kitchen to find Dan standing over the stove, flipping bacon. He must have gone shopping as they hadn’t left any food in the flat, Phil wondered how long he’d been up. 

Dan glanced over his shoulder. “Coffee?” 

“Please,” Phil said.

So Dan dished out the bacon onto two plates, filled two cups with coffee and Phil popped two pieces of toast. He frowned, how easily they found themselves helping each other out, making two portions. He was going to miss that.

They sat in their respective chairs and set to work devouring their breakfast. “So,” Dan was saying between mouthfuls of toast. “I think we should tell the internet about the European tour soon. I mean it’s pretty much a sure thing at this point and we want to give them enough time to buy tickets. So I was going to film a new danisnotonfire video in like the next week and tell them then. And we could also do something for the gaming channel, and you’d obviously do something on AmazingPhil and we could–”

“I want to move out.” Phil blurted, he could feel himself blushing. Feel his stomach knot itself even more.

Dan looked at him, eyebrows drawing together. “What?”

“Not now, not yet. But within the next year for sure. It’s time for me to get my own flat.”

Dan ran his hands through his hair and exhaled a shaky breath. “But, have you – you said you’d – I just – why?”

“I’m almost thirty Dan. I haven’t dated in – god in years. It’s just – I just need to think about the future okay.”

“The future.” Dan echoed, he looked so confused so shocked. He pointed his finger at Phil. “But on the tour, we were talking about the future. We’ve always talk about it. We talk about what we’ll doing in ten years and I always thought…”

“Nothing has to change,” Phil said, trying to convince himself as much as Dan. “We can still make gaming videos. Still do collabs. Still make philisnotonfire. Nothing is going to be different if you think about it.”

“How can you say that?” Dan’s mouth was hanging open. He wasn’t meeting Phil’s eyes, instead looking around the room rather frantically. “Of course it will change things. Maybe not professionally, but Phil we’ve been living together for seven years. I just…God Phil our friendship. It would affect that. We’d barely see each other.”

“No, we’d see each a normal amount. Best friends don’t normally live together.”

“But,” Dan looked defeated, his shoulders slumped more than usual, as if he were trying to curl into nothing. “I always thought…” Something sparked in his eyes and he sat up straighter. “Do you not like seeing me all the time? Is this something I brought on? I’m so sorry Phil, I know I can be hard to live with. I’m annoying and insecure and loud and I keep you up with my pacing, but you don’t have to move out. You don’t –”

“No, it’s nothing like that.”

Dan finally met his eyes, so clearly distressed it hurt Phil’s heart because did this. He made Dan look sad like this. “Then what is it like?” He sniffed a little, whipped his nose aggressively with his sleeve. “Explain it to me Phil. Because if I’m going to lose my best friend of eight years, my flatmate of six for some bullshit about not dating.” He voice was getting higher and higher. “If you want to date fucking date. I’m not stopping you. That doesn’t mean you have to leave me. It’s not fair. I don’t know how to live alone. I don’t want to –”

“We’ll find you a new flatmate if you want, Dan, before I leave.”

“I don’t fucking want a new flatmate!” Dan exploded, he stood, pacing back and forth. “I want the flatmate I already fucking have, Phil. I don’t want anything to change. I’m happy with things as they are and excuse me for thinking that you were happy too.”

Phil could tell he was going to start crying. He could feel it in his throat, in his chest. He bit his lip, this was not going as well as it could have. “I am happy.” He said, his voice came out broken and quiet.

Dan walked back over to Phil and looked at him with big tear-filled brown eyes. “Then why do you want to leave?”

Phil shut his eyes, took a deep breath, opened them again. “I want to settle down Dan. As cheesy as it sounds I want to get married, buy a house, have kids…grow old with someone. I want that and I’m running out of time to find it. I want that and I’m not going to get it if I–” He cut himself off. No, he’d been doing so good not mentioning this kind of thing.

“If you what Phil?! If you keep living with me? I didn’t realize living with me was killing your bloody dreams. Jesus!”

“You’re not killing my dreams.”

“You keep fucking contradicting yourself! You’re not making any sense!”

“Just drop it, okay…it’s for the best.”

Dan was opening his mouth closing it, opening it again. He brought his hands up and shook his head. “So you want me to let you leave because 'it’s for the best'. Nope, I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“Dan. Drop it. You don’t want to hear it. Trust me.”

“You don’t get to make that call! You don’t get to decide what I want to hear or what I don’t!”

“Dan –”

“No! Tell me Phil!”

Phil couldn’t believe Dan was going to make him spell it out. Couldn’t believe it wasn’t obvious. “Oh come on!” He was angry now. How could Dan not see it, how on earth? Had he forgotten their history? “You broke my heart, Dan! And you’re still fucking punishing me for that Valentine’s Day video!”

Dan flinched as he did whenever Phil swore or brought up their past. “You promised never to bring that up –” 

“No! I tried to do something nice for my boyfriend and yes what happened sucked but it wasn’t my fault. You’re so insecure about your sexuality that you built this wall between us and it’s been – it’s been killing me! We don’t touch on camera because your scared of what the people on the internet will think, we don't touch off camera because you're still weird about everything. But Dan, who fucking cares what the internet thinks?!

“Phil...”

He was definitely crying now. So many repressed emotions. So many things he couldn’t talk about. “So yes, I’m leaving, but only because I cannot stand to live in this toxic environment any longer! I thought you’d grow out of it. I thought maybe you’d come to your senses and realize that the idea of being with me isn’t a joke. Isn’t the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard. Because, in case you’d forgotten, we were together. For nearly two years Dan. And that may not mean anything to you, but it sure as hell means a lot to me.”

Dan’s eyes are wide. He looks scared to move, scared to speak. “Phil, I don’t – I don’t know what to say.”

Phil sighed. He didn’t really feel angry anymore, he just felt empty. “It’s fine,” Phil said, wiping away tears. “We’re fine.” Then he got up and left the flat.


	2. Awkward Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are awkward between Dan and Phil for the first time in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and the comments! They made me very happy. Hope you enjoy :)

Phil was already halfway down the block before he realized that he was still in his pajamas. He was out in London in cookie monster pajamas with unbrushed hair and teeth and, upon further inspection, no phone. Today was not Phil’s day. He also didn’t have his wallet, fantastic, so he couldn’t go to a movie or to a coffee shop. He didn’t have his keys which meant that he had to go home while Dan was still there otherwise he wouldn’t be able to get in. All of these things severely limited his options. God this was a mess, a real big disgusting mess.

 

He flagged down a middle-aged woman and asked her for the time. She looked at him very strangely, but he couldn’t blame her. She did, however, let him know that it was half two.

 

He wandered around on side streets, mostly to avoid the weird looks he kept getting, until he found himself at the small park several blocks from their flat. He sat himself down on a bench and stared at his hands. He felt a little bad about his outburst if he was being honest. He hadn't meant to explode like that. He had simply meant to sit Dan down and explain that he wanted to move out. He had wanted to make sure that there were no hard feelings. He had wanted to make sure that Dan understood that this was the best thing. He didn’t want – well he didn’t want all of the fighting he’d caused. The unresolved fighting that would be waiting for him as soon as he plucked up the courage and returned to the flat.

 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat on that park bench, thinking about Dan, thinking about how the hell he was going to deal with him. He’d said something he hadn’t meant to, a lot of things. Things they hadn’t talked about in three years. But eventually, he got cold. Eventually, he couldn’t ignore the pounding behind his eyes caused from his caffeine withdrawal. He thought of the cup on the table of their flat, of Dan probably pacing back and forth, freaking out just as much as he was. So he walked back and rung the buzzer.

 

“H-hello?” The voice that came through the intercom was crackly and Phil was sure it wasn’t just from the crappy speaker.

 

“I’ve forgotten my keys. Let me in please.”

 

“Phil?”

 

“Yeah, it’s me. Let me in, I’m freezing.” The door unlocked and at the top of the stairs, he found Dan standing at the open door, looking haggard. His eyes were very red, so he’d obvious been crying. Something tightened in Phil’s chest. There were numerous long seconds of painful eye contact before Phil spoke. “Sorry for yelling at you.”

 

Dan bit on his pinky nail. “I’m sorry too.”

 

“Let’s just forget it, okay?”

 

“So you’re not going to move out?”

 

Phil sighed, the hope in Dan's eyes was too much for him to handle. “No, I am…Let’s just not talk about it.”

 

“I don’t know Phil, that doesn’t sound –”

 

Phil pushed past Dan and climbed up the rest of the stairs into their flat. “I didn’t get to finish my coffee this morning. It’s probably gone cold though. I’ll make a new one. Would you like a cup?” He walked into the kitchen, Dan close on his heels.

 

Dan was hovering behind him, and though Phil couldn’t see him, but he could feel his gaze burning into the back of his neck. “I don’t think –”

 

“ _Would you like a_ cup.” Phil said, more slowly, sternly. He wasn’t going to look at Dan, it would be all too hard to look at Dan right now.

 

He heard Dan let out an exasperated sigh. “Coffee sounds great.”

 

“Good,” Phil said and put the coffee on rather violently. And Dan, finally getting the hint, left the room. Phil sighed, drumming his fingers on the counter top. His headache was not helping anyone. It made him more irritable than normal. This situation made him irritable. He poured two mugs of coffee, fixed them the way each of them liked and walked back into the lounge to find Dan in his sofa crease. The sight was so familiar it calmed him ever so slightly. He handed Dan his coffee.

 

“Thanks,”

 

Phil tried to smile at him, but he was sure it looked closer to a grimace. Again their eyes met, but this time neither of the boys broke the silence. Instead, Phil scurried up to his room and shut the door because he didn’t want to be in that tension-filled room. It was suffocating. He sat on his bed, cradling the mug in his cold hands. Awkward silences had never been a problem with them. Even back in 2012, when things were terrible between them, there had been yelling, sarcasm, avoiding the topic by talking about literally everything else. But never this unbearable, soul-sucking quiet.

 

That wasn’t even to say that Dan and Phil were even the kinds of people who needed to fill every silence. When you’d lived with someone as long as Phil had lived with Dan you didn’t need to talk all the time. It was comfortable just to sit together in the lounge not saying anything at all, sometimes for hours at a time. But now, now it felt all wrong and Phil couldn’t think of how he could possibly fix it. He wanted to move out, that much he was sure about, and he didn’t know how to stay in Dan’s good graces without sacrificing what he needed to do.

 

So Phil took out his laptop from under his bed and started watching the Walking Dead again from the beginning. He and Dan had been meaning to do this together but right now he needed something mindless. He needed something to think about besides his own freaking drama.

 

Hours went by before there was a tentative knock on his door. Phil sat up too quickly, nearly knocking his laptop off the bed. “Can we talk?” Came Dan’s voice.

 

Phil shut the laptop and took a deep breath. “Come on in.”

 

Dan opened the door, extremely slowly, as if he was scared of seeing what lay inside. His face, however, was the perfect picture of ordinary. So much so that only someone who knew him very well, someone such as Phil himself, would be able to tell that there was anything unusual about the way he entered and sat at the bottom of Phil’s bed. Anything about the very slight pinch between his brows, or stiffness to his gait and shoulders.

 

“I made tacos,” Dan said.

 

Phil nodded.

 

“And after dinner, I was thinking you could help me set up the camera and I’d make that danisnotonfire video I was telling you about.”

 

Phil said nothing.

 

A crack in Dan’s facade of ordinariness. Doubt creeping in. Sadness. He was clearly making an effort to pretend everything was normal, that everything was fine. And he had even made Phil dinner, which was very sweet indeed. 

 

“You know," Dan tried again, less certainly this time. "The one about how we lost our luggage and I had that awkward encounter with the –”

 

“Sounds good,” Phil said, and his voice didn't sound right to either of them. But for now, it didn't matter because they were talking. Because this was a step in the right direction. “And tomorrow, we could film another Sims 4 video.”

 

Dan smiled, his shoulders relaxing, brow unfurrowing. “Let’s do that.” He stood. “Now come on. Dinner’s getting cold.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit starts to go down in the next chapter. I've already started writing it. I'm excited to see what you guys think.

**Author's Note:**

> More chapters to come. Probably soon because it's winter break and I have time to kill.


End file.
